Family & Friends of Addicts - After Treatment

Let me make this statement from the beginning of this article, and it will become apparent and more defined as you continue to process this information: God will want and will have the credit.

I learned in my addiction and recovery experience there is only one Source of cure: God. It didn't matter what program, ministry or other methods of treatment; because of my relationship with Him and His love for me, I have concluded "HE" was the source of my being healed. I could mention in my testimony how various ministries and persons were involved, but it was Him who brought them all together to bring about the desired result. They could not act upon their own volition to help me. He did it. Many persons did not want anything to do with me further, but He acted upon their conscience and because of their relationship with Him, they became obedient and He was able to work through them, for me.

• Refer to your loved by name and never as an "addict".

  Your loved one is going to have to make quite a few adjustments and one of which is identity. For however long they were "out there" has changed who they were. They are beginning to learn who they are all over again and it is mandatory you always refer to them in the manner you did when they were born and as you developed your relationship with them, by name. If you must describe them in using any terms, let it be, "child of God" because this is who they are. Regardless of society's titles, they were first known by the birth-name given, so use it. They do not need to be reminded of what they did. They will always be knowledgeable about this until in the process of time, as in all issues of sin, it begins to fade. If God can throw our sins into the "sea of forgetfulness", we need to begin practicing this, too.

• A recovering addict will need to learn how to live again.

  This is a very interesting stage I had to experience, and it is so important I will be very deliberate in what I say because any misunderstanding in this will have awful results. Just as someone who has had a debilitating illness and requires physical therapy to learn how to walk or feed themselves again, the same applies for your loved one. While living "out there" there were no constraints other than not being caught by the police until they were finished with their using. They didn't recognize time. Money was spent only for one thing. Hygiene was not an issue. Hopefully a good program or ministry will offer some retraining of these skills, but sadly, they don't. They're more interested in providing "time" between the last usage and their return to the street. They try to provide information regarding addiction but actually do not bring about "change". So, this is where it will take place and even if wherever there were they were wise enough to do so, the real experience begins now. Not while in a guarded facility. This is where life meets reality. So, take them shopping with you because one of the most important areas of their life is to learn how to respect money. Money may be a huge problem because for many months or years it went only to once source. It is your home and the practice you have for yourself in terms of lateness of hour you are outside the home should be conveyed to them. Unless they are working the midnight shift, they should pretty much find themselves inside. Let's be honest, nothing is out there in the middle of the night except trouble, regardless if you are or were an addict or not.

• Never count!

  One of the worse attempts and intentions in setting goals is by using "time" to gauge one's success. My time of sobriety (clean-living, I prefer to say) is not determined by the last time I have used. A woman who was a dear friend once asked me, and probably well meaning, "Roy, when was the last time you used?" I was shocked at first and then responded, "Sure, I'll be glad to tell you; but answer me this first, when was the last time you thought to be with a man who isn't your husband?" Of course she asked me why I ask her such a question and I shared with her, "What I have had to deal with is very personal, it is a sin God is working with me, and by my telling you how long I haven't done something cannot help you." There are many who will tell you if someone is "clean" for one year or five years then they are "clean". False. People have relapsed even after 20 years of having "clean-time". There is no rule of time established which is a guarantee the person can no longer be affected by a past addiction. As long as the person remain in God's hand and never ventures out, they will remain not only addiction free but relapse free as well. So, don't count. It's a very dangerous tool. It's not so much to look forward as much as it's used to look backwards and anytime this is done, there is a danger of falling backwards. I believe it was Christ who said, "One cannot look back and plow..."

• Patience and Trusting

  Those who are in the early stages of recovery are very observant of what others do around them. They watch when you change the location where you put your wallet, loose change or purse. If you change your routine and it is noticed, it means you have not learned to trust. Personally, if you cannot trust someone who is in your home, then why are they there? We lock our doors to keep thieves from coming in but if you believe you have one living among you, they're not the only sick one, but you, too! Allow someone the space to grow. IF something is missing in your home, allow them time to admit it. This is one of the best growing "graces" we can ever have, to admit our wrong. But if we are subjected to blame especially without having done it, then in the mind of the recovering person, what's the point of trying to achieve clean-living if no one will trust us? Something needs to give. If you have invited them back home, then your fear need not get in the way of continuing your relationship.

• What should you do in case of relapse?

  Start with prayer. Your loved one needs it and so do you. This is a very crucial time because it will either make them or break them. I remember when I relapsed and living with dear friends and it was quite obvious what I did and didn't try to hide the fact. In their bedroom I confessed in tears and with them prayer was made for continued strength. This is what I needed besides their consideration and constructive criticism offered on the basis of love. You see, they knew who I was before I became addicted and they knew who they wanted returned to them. Their prayer was answered because Roy did come back, years later, but he came back. If relapse should turn chronic, do not think you have failed. The loved one hasn't reached their turning point, so don't give up. You have to remember what you have done in the beginning and let them know in no uncertain terms, "you must go until you are ready to commit." Isn't this what God did for you in your moment of relapse in your pet sin? We must do what He has done. We are called to do so, to demonstrate the same love and approach He has. You can never say that you are not Him and cannot do this. God would never have brought this person in your life if you weren't capable of assisting them. Who was there for you? Always remember this. Make contact with the program/ministry where they were and asked if they would be allowed back and see what their requirements are. For many, it will be five years, so don't be shocked because it may just take that long before your loved one is ready.

  In conclusion, God will have the credit for the healing taking place not only in their life but in your life, too. What is it He is showing you through them? There is a message, too, for you and understand you do not have to go through this very difficult moment alone. God has blessed me, tremendously, so I would have the ability to know and experience what both the addict and family and friends are going through. I just wish I could be more involved in helping others as much as He has helped me.

  And remember, if you do need someone to talk with regarding these issues, I'm always available to you. I'm praying for you already and for your loved one. Together, we can do this...

  Call me, I'm waiting to hear from you.