A Conversation With God

in God

I don't think God speaks to anyone, Pat Robertson and Billy Graham included. In the case of Roberston the answer is obvious, he always gets bad advice and we know that can't be from God. Billy doesn't so much tell you he speaks to God as he does tell you what God is thinking, a tad arrogant but that's how evangelists are.

I don't claim to have ever spoken to God but I have imagined how a modern-day conversation with Him might go if we were together. The first thing I asked Him is about Jesus and what His visit was all about. "Well, God said, "It wasn't about dying for anybody's sins, that's for sure. What father in his right mind would send his son on a mission to die for something that didn't even exist? Take you for instance. You weren't even a thought in your parents minds over 2000 years after my Son died. Why would He be so foolish as to sacrifice His life for some sins you might or might not commit? Talk about wasted effort!"

Well then, I asked, what did He die for? "That's easy", God said, He died to prove to anyone with an ounce of brains that there is life after death. He tried it first with Lazarus but that didn't seem to register with a lot of people so the only thing left to do was sacrifice Himself. At first I really wasn't for the idea but He convinced me it was the only way. More important, what He lived for was to give you humans some idea of how to live a righteous life, although at times I wonder if He ever succeeded. What I fail to understand is, Jesus never made anything too complicated and the rules He suggested weren't really hard to follow. It takes a lot of nerve for someone to take a few simple suggestions and turn them into a lot of meaningless dogma and rituals. And have you seen how these so called "men of God" dress up to spout a lot of nonsense that is supposed to come from Me? I can tell you flat out, my Son would never be caught dead, if you will excuse the expression, in a $1000 suit or a silk robe with fancy slippers. And incidentally, they are not "men of God" and if they were I would have fired all of them ages ago."

I told God I know how busy he is and would only take up a few more moments of His time. He laughed and said "Don't worry about that son, I have a lot more time then you do and please, that is not a threat or warning." Okay, I said, tell me your thoughts on the Bible, you know, your word. "That is utter nonsense," God said. "If you believe I created the universe as well as all of mankind and the animal kingdom why would I need someone to speak for me? My Son spoke for me of course, but He had my permission and no one else has ever had my permission and they're not going to get it. What you call the bible has some history in it that I think is pretty accurate and a lot of nonsense that isn't. Have you ever read Leviticus? I did once and I was really embarrassed. Who in their right mind would take that nonsense seriously? If anyone thinks the bible is my word I think they could use a little therapy and a whole lot of common sense!"

Another question, I said, and I really do appreciate your time. What do you have to say about this creation versus evolution controversy. "Well" God said, "to me it's just a tempest in a teapot and for the life of me I can't understand why. First of all, I gave mankind a brain hoping at the time that he or she would put it to good use. I have since had second thoughts about that but that's another subject. I gave Darwin a brain and he actually used it and I'm proud of him for that. Where the misunderstanding began was that first verse in your bible, I think it's called Genesis, although some of those Jewish scribes were known to be lousy writers. Anyway what the verse should have said, and if anyone had asked me I would have told them, was IN THE BEGINNING GOD CREATED EVOLUTION! Now, the problem just went away didn't it?"

One last question I said. Looking at the world today what do you think of your creation? "You need to get a few things straight first," said God. As much as some people want to believe it I do not spend one second of my time tinkering with the everyday details of peoples lives. I don't answer prayers, in fact they don't even register with me. I didn't give mankind free-will so people could constantly ask me to intervene in their puny little lives. And while we're at it, I had nothing to do with Hurricane Katrina or any other natural disaster. My friend Mother Nature does all that stuff and if you have ever experienced one of her tantrums you would know better than try to interfere. I certainly know I won't mess with her.

Look, I went to a lot of trouble creating the earth and mankind and I think I did a wonderful job of it. In spite of what many of your fellow humans in the God industry, religious jackals, every single one of them, want you to believe, I did not create some cosmic Tinker Toy that I could manipulate and play with any time I wanted.What you see is what you got and it isn't going to be any different so stop asking. I already told you prayers do not register with me. I can see your lips moving but I can't hear a word you say."

"But, to answer your question about how I feel about my creation, I have this to say, and it relates to anything you might want it to. IF YOU KEEP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING YOU WILL KEEP GETTING WHAT YOU ARE GETTING! I hope that's clear enough and now, if you don't have anymore questions I have a few angels that need to be straightened out but I've really enjoyed our conversation. The next time you're in the neighborhood look me up."

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A Conversation With God

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This article was published on 2010/04/03